I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct…

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest.  He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrat car,  the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1.  It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2.  It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3.  It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4.  It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5.  It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed,

Tiger Woods

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused..  ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could  wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…..I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

Dear Diary:

May 30th: My husband and I just moved to New Orleans, LA from Chicago. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 10th: It’s really heating up. Got to 100 today! Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

June 14th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for us! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

June 30th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 10th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole’ sun in a climate like this.

July 15th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and was swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 20th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts!

July 21st: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

July 22nd: It’s 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Dumb repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city!

July 23rd: If another wise ass cracks “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 24th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

July 25th: The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. How can it WARM UP when it’s already 1000 freakin’ degrees? Doesn’t it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool! Even the cactus can’t live in this heat!

July 26th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?”

My husband had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Dang South! WHAT KIND OF A SICK DEMENTED PERSON WOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE !?!??!!

1) Good:
A Knoxville, TN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
But wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A
Twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign,
Which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young
Accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” . . . And a bucket
Full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
Automated radar post in Nashville, TN. A $40 speeding ticket was
Included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Tennessee
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
She said, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the State
Troopers Ball.” He replied “Tennessee State Troopers don’t have
Balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized
What he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol
Car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car…….

The Milk  Bath  & The Blonde

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,’I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’

The blonde said, ‘No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk.  And take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’

The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS…. )

The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.’ 

Rules of living in the Houston area

Rules of Houston, H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd,

or whatever you wanna call it.

1.  You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is “Hue-stun,” not “Ewe-stun”, or “House-tun”  Oh yeah, the street is pronounced “San Phil-ee-pay,” not” San Phil-eep” (San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
2.  Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules…Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
3.  All directions start with, “Go down to Loop 610“…. which has no beginning and no end.
4.  The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic… a “Scenic Drive.”
5.  The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6.  If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the  first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7.  Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
8.  Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9.  All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases: “Oh, we must be in Pasadena!” or “God, I hate Baytown!” or “Mmm, smell that Texas City!”
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph.  Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by..
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we’ll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21.  You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22.  You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads.  Here in Houston , they  are called FEEDER roads, so don’t look stupid when we say “Exit the feeder road and use the loop-de-loop”

If you haven’t lived there, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who have called this home… nothing but the truth and you know it!!!